This Is Who You Are

Listen for those magical moments in your life that guide you.

In the early 80’s, when Jimmy and I were newly married, we decided to go buy some paints and canvases and create a couple of paintings. This was before the days of the painting parties, or we may have done that instead. Really, it was so unlike us to do something like that. But after getting the supplies, we set up out little art space, and started painting. I knew very little about painting at that time. I did take an art class in 7th grade, and I watched my dad paint some when I was little, but still, I was not experienced with a paintbrush.

We decided to paint something fairly easy and chose a desert landscape. I don’t remember at all what either painting looked like as they were both lost years later in between moves. But what I do remember vividly is this - we didn’t finish the painting in one sitting, so the next evening while Jimmy, who worked 2nd shift at the time, was working, I decided to work on my painting. After finishing it, I remember washing up my brushes in the bathroom sink. As I was washing them, I looked in the mirror in front of me and a voice came into my head that said, “THIS IS WHO YOU ARE!” It was a strong voice - one of those that you think, did this come from me? I knew that the thought, either mine or otherwise was telling me that I was an artist. I remember looking in the mirror a moment longer and then rolling my eyes at the absurdity. I only wanted to be an artist, but assuredly was not since I wasn’t that great of a painter. I finished washing the brushes and turned the light out. I didn’t pick up another paintbrush for decades.

Looking back, I believe my higher self was telling me I was an artist. I have always been an artist, even before I began painting just short of ten years ago. You might say, well an artist paints, so you were not an artist before you learned to paint. Valid point, but I will tell you that what I really mean is that I had the heart of an artist. But I didn’t know myself well enough to go after what I really desired.

I’ve always been envious of those people, who from a very young age know exactly what it is they want to do with their lives. This was always so murky for me. I fell into an admin/accounting career and was actually pretty good at it, but there was always a longing for something else. A job was a job, right? You weren’t supposed to love it, you just do it to get a paycheck so you can pay your bills. Right?

Artists don’t make money - AKA “starving artist.” I had financial responsibilities. Right? This may all be true, but if I had really listened to myself that night, what would I have done differently? Maybe continued to paint at night while Jim was working and see where it took me. I finally did this thirty years later. I just started painting one day and never stopped. But I could have had thirty more years to paint had I done this. It’s sad, but it’s really okay. I feel my life turned out pretty well and I found my art later in life which is more than many people. I still wonder though.

I tell this story to say that maybe there is something in you that is saying, THIS IS WHO YOU ARE! It may not be an artist, but if you listen to it, and follow it, perhaps you will jump on the path to your authenticity a lot sooner than I did.

If you are like me, and have no clue what you want to do in life — whether you are twenty or seventy, take time to ask questions that may lead you to the answers. Write the question in a journal and listen for answers and write down what comes. Listen to that voice within. When something grabs your attention that sparks something inside, ask yourself why you like this, or why you get excited over that. Then once you gather the clues, put the pieces of the puzzle together and most importantly, once you find a nugget of truth as to who you are and what you want, don’t roll your eyes at yourself like I did, do something about it. Follow the trail. It may change somewhat as you get going, but just explore and know your options. It may or may not end up being your profession, but if you will incorporate it into your life, you’ll be living in your truth.

Some of you may not get this post at all because you’ve never not known what you want. Good for you! But if you don’t, I feel this will resonate with you deeply.

Don’t give up until you find that “special something” that will make your heart dance and your soul sing.

Sending my best,

Connie